Haven’t blogged in a long time. I may need to start another blogging-every-day challenge soon, but I’ll try some good old-fashioned self-discipline before I let it get to that point.
So, I was reading back on some old posts thinking “look! When I blog I’m kind of charming and wise!” and wanting to get back to it. Ha. What I want to talk about today is something I specifically mentioned in my last post—thinking about my high school-self, and the poem I wrote to her in my SIP. In that post, I wondered why I can’t treat my current self with the tenderness I showed toward her.
I’m writing this post because I think I’m getting there, and I want to tell you how. When I wrote that poem, I was only thinking of how present-me views past-me. Recently, I started to think about it the other way around—what would high school Kim think of present-day Kim? I realized she’d probably be slightly scared of me—as I mentioned in the previous post, back then I was trying to be “normal” and now I am categorically not—but, overall, she would probably think I’m pretty damn cool. I’m still scared now, but I’m not as scared as she was. Or maybe I’m just as scared, but I’m stronger and I know how to use the fear instead of succumb to it.
I wish I could give you some creative anecdote to illustrate this realization, but I swear it was somehow a 100% interior thing that just came to me. In a lot of ways, everything I’m doing now is for her—and for the girls like her who are still struggling to kill the darkness instead of ride it. God, I was probably majorly annoying in high school. If current-me met high school-me now, I would probably want to punch her in the face. But in a very loving way. Yeah.
I’m definitely not saying I’m perfect now, or anywhere near a state of total acceptance. But I’m closer, and this kind of thinking helped me grow in leaps and bounds. So, moral of the story is, it’s a good gauge for how things are going. Sort of an exercise in stepping outside. What would high school-you think of current-you?