Disheveled

In order to procrastinate working on my MFA apps, let me tell you about all the ways that these MFA apps are scaring the shit out of me.

So many things have changed this past year and a half, it would be actually hilarious to try to enumerate them to you.

What matters is: I woke up this morning with a groggy man sporting some seriously disheveled hair. He went to sleep before me, and his alarm went off before I was planning on waking up (as per usual). I heard his Xbox boot up and knew it was time for me to roll my ass out of bed. My pup got up and started stretching her back like a cat.

Putting on my winter coat to take Olive outside (somehow fall shot straight into winter without a moment’s notice), I instinctually flipped my hood up over my hair to shield the world from the morning craziness (apparently it’s a theme in this household).

I sat on the couch to Facebook surf and Olive decided to flop onto me in this weird, adorable way she has. Most things she does are weird and adorable.

I got up from the couch, stepped over my video game nerd who was sitting on the ground, and bumbled into the kitchen to fix myself a breakfast of brownies and a banana. When I returned to the couch, my dog sitting in front of me and staring at me unflinchingly until my food was gone.

I feel like I have a family again, is what I’m saying. It’s going to be harder to leave this behind than it ever has been to leave anything. I’ve always been obsessed with planning for the future, but it’s never been so mixed up with an extreme, contradictory love for the present and fear of change.

Don’t get me wrong—like I said, I’m still feeling a crazed kind of excitement for graduate school. I would much rather be stressing over an assignment that pertains to my personal growth as a poet than to stress over some old lady who thought her scone was DISGUSTING!!!!! GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!!! Also, I still do things like eat brownies for breakfast…

I’ve been dropping in on Di Seuss’ contemporary poetry class, and it has truly made me feel like a real person again. Nothin’ like being out of your element for so long and then dunked right back into it. I know I’m doing the right thing, but this love of the present thing…this is new.

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